Dear J, When I’m around you my heart starts beating really fast and when you touch me, even if it’s just a hand on the back i get so nervous that I start heating up. I really like you when I’m around you. I could forgive anything. Which is why I can’t be around you. Because you’re a liar. Always have been, and always will be. So I think it’s best if were just friends. Are you okay with that? Me neither. Love M.
My brilliant and beautiful boyfriend;
We have been together for nine months now. I have known you for about four years. I had been harbouring a crush on you for two of those four years, but had been distracted by a thoroughly miserable relationship with another girl - I won’t go into details because you have heard it a hundred times before, but I wasn’t happy. That relationship lasted three months, and then after a month another three months of being with her continued, but I grew slowly less and less happy with the situation. She was ashamed of being with me, and each time we had a happy moment it was like biting into forbidden fruit that got less appetising with each taste. This relationship is like a different world. Every time I see you it’s like my heart swells. You make me so happy. All my friends have told me that I’m like a different person now I’m with you: a happier, brighter person who is more fun to be around. I like myself more now. You have turned my world around. And I know I can be grumpy if you wake me in the middle of the night, or when I’m on my misery week, but I really do love you more than anything in the world, and I mean it when I say that I want to stay with you in this happiness for the rest of my life.
From Mittens.
Blonde haired boy, Something is watching over me. When I was a baby, my dad got angry and tried to pick me up and shake me to get me to stop crying. He told me something shook him back. When I needed money for a trip, my mom’s windshield got a tree-branch through it and the insurance money funded me. Before I applied for financial aide for college, my mother lost her job so I got all of the money available. Call these weird coincidences, but I sincerely believe that I have a special relationship with luck. I’m not religious in any sense of the word, but if I was, I’d say it was an angel. When I met you, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I had started to cut myself. I was wandering, alone, and broken into too many pieces to find. You barely knew me, but that night I left his place crying, I texted you on a whim, and you came running, tissues and all. You sat next to me, you let me cry, you listened, and then you walked me all the way back to his place. Honestly, that was the night I started falling for you. And the next night, when you walked a mile across campus to get to me, just so you could walk me back home and make sure I was safe. We sat in a coffee shop and complained about our significant others, and told each other all the things we wanted in a partner. And they all matched, and we both noticed, but said nothing. Then the longs nights of talking. Staying up until 5 just after I’d broken up with him. Slowly touching, slowly growing closer. The night where you first told me you liked me, and then broke up with her. The first time you kissed my neck, and my lips. I’d walk home exhausted, but floating on air. Those first few nights in your new apartment with no one else. We assembled ikea furniture in your room. We cooked dinner. We played house. You’d shove me against the wall and kiss me so passionately I felt like I would melt. And each night ended with hours of cuddling and whispering, falling asleep next to eachother, anticipating waking up to the same thing the next day. And then he came back. I freaked out. I screamed at you. I told you to leave. I cut myself every other day. You’d force the staples out of my hands and slam yourself in the doorway to make sure I couldn’t close the door. So I wouldn’t hurt myself. You’d stay up late and hold me when I cried. You were patient. You were understanding. You chased after me. And you always looked at me with those eyes. And this summer, even when I chose him again over you, you stood by me. You listened to me complain. You talked me me almost every night. You drove nine hours just to visit me. You were there to pick up the pieces every time I was fighting with him, every time he made me feel worthless. And now, you are still here. And I’m not his anymore, but not entirely yours either. You still come whenever I need you, and pick me up when I am wandering the streets sobbing my eyes out because he is hurting me. You still tell me I’m beautiful and sweetly kiss my forehead. No matter what I do, you are still here and will always be here to make sure that I am okay. To protect me from the rest of the world. To cradle the broken mess that you managed to put back together. You are my angel. Let me be yours?
To the boy I love, I would take you back. I would tell him that I don’t want him and that I just want you. But I could never be completely honest with you. I slept with him, I let him kiss me, I let him touch me, and I let him into that special place in my soul that you used to fit in so nicely. You would never forgive me if you thought it was more than just a mistake. And I love you too much to kill you like that. I love you too much.
I remember the first time I felt something for you. Sitting during a practice session for our sixth grade graduation, I held my warm face in my hands utterly embarrassed. Earlier that day a girl in our class guessed who I liked. It was partly my fault because I’m a terrible liar but she knew all the same. Of course after she promised not to tell anyone the whole class knew by the end of the day. I was mortified. I was shy then, unbearably shy. I hadn’t much confidence but then again who truly has a precious gem like confidence today in this uncertain world? We sat side-by-side in the auditorium half-listening to our teacher speak. Of course people were talking. The boy next to us was funny but I was terribly upset. I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry. “So you like Lucas, huh?” He smirked as I buried my face in shame. Children can be horribly tactless can’t they? This continued for some time before you turned and said to me; “Are you crying?” I laughed no. I wasn’t crying but I felt like I should’ve been. You thought for a moment before speaking. “He’s a good guy.” You decided nodding. I looked up from my hands looking into your brown eyes for the first time. “He’s a good guy, he’s my best friend.” And then we spent the rest of that practice laughing together. It took me some time but eventually I got over Lucas. He was a sweet boy but I realized that my heart was now in the possession of someone else’s hands. I realized my affections for you in the season of fall. Ironic isn’t it? Fall is the season of change. It’s always been my favorite season. We had gym together and were running a mile. We were complaining quite frequently about our gym teacher and why on earth do they make children run a mile anyway? You said your asthma was acting up and your back was hurting. I confided within you that I to had some health problems too. I don’t know why I said that, maybe I thought it would make you feel better. I have something to confess though. As much as I despise running I’m not so terrible at it. I could’ve run far faster then I did that day but why would I when I had you running right beside me. A few days later I ran on that same track and realized that I liked you. I distinctly remember stopping and being surprised. Life was fine for a while. Middle school was fun. We laughed together and talked together. You were very kind. I felt terribly insecure then. Now that I knew I like you it was difficult to act natural but I think I managed it find enough for you not to notice. Maybe you were just preoccupied with other things. That same year the same thing happened. Another girl had asked me if I liked you and it was impossible for me to lie. I am an awful liar. Again I asked her not to tell and went home worried. The next she came up to me smiling. “I told him!” She exclaimed with a smile on her face. As if she had done me the biggest favor. Upon my confusion she filled me in with all the gut wrenching details. I was completely shattered. Two minutes later we had class together and when you looked at me your eyes had changed. There was no laughter, only apprehension. I cried at the end of the day. I don’t believe we’ve ever spoken again. I avoided you and you avoided me. Years flew by and we barely even locked gazes. The few times we did were very painful for me. You always looked away first. I’m a senior now and I live on the other side of the country. Far away from you in mind and spirit although I believe we’ve been far away from each other for a while now. I never felt the same for anyone else since then. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll never like anyone else again. Sometimes I fear I’ll never be able to be friends with you again. And it’s my fault. I should have never liked you, you should have never known. I should have been a better liar.
To you,
I wish you could see me, really see me for who I am. These were the thoughts that ran through my head the moment we started hanging out. These past 3 years have been heaven because out of all the people in my life you understand my fear. You don’t hassle me like the rest of my family and friends for being 22 and never having been in any kind of relationship, you get me hesitation. Trusting my heart is not an easy thing to do because that initially means that I have to give up control and allow someone to get close. I don’t think I am strong enough for that and you don’t think that that makes me weak. I have never wanted to be that girl that falls for the guy and so I don’t allow myself to fall. When I explained that my feel comes from the fact that every man in my family has cheated on their wives or girlfriends you didn’t try and make this fears seem silly. You looked me in the eye and said, “when the right guy comes along those fears will fade because you will feel safe giving him your heart. What a lucky guy that will be to have the heart of a woman who loves so deeply.” I remember calling you corny and punching you in the arm as you kissed me on the cheek and told me, “ I will always love you my pessimistic hopeless romantic, see you tomorrow and sweet dreams.” My fears are still intact but this time it’s the fear of losing you. Your on again off again girlfriend who treats you like crud constantly belittling you makes me so made. I wish you could see me. I wish I could be brave enough to allow you to really see me and all my wonderful imperfections because you are the one that makes me feel as though everyone of those imperfections is perfect. I wish you could see you deserve better but I am not saying that that means me. I am just saying you deserve the best that the world can offer and that is not your current girlfriend. I will always love you because as I sit here writing this to you knowing that friendship is all I will ever have with you I need you to know that you may be my first love. You are my safe haven, my shoulder, my home, my random song about cheese when I’m sad, you are the guy I can’t imagine living without.. I love you. Sincerely, The girl to afraid to open her heart
look, i know that you will always love her. if not her, there’s always another girl. i see you flirt with everybody but it looks like you’ve forgotten about me. maybe it’s my fault for giving up after so much time, but maybe you didn’t try either. sometimes i feel like i’ve gotten over you… but then suddenly i’ll get so jealous when you pay no attention to me at all. did you forget that we had something special? you say you haven’t, but i’m sure that it means NOTHING to you now. i miss you. i miss our friendship. i don’t know whether i was ever in love with you, but i know that i love you. you were my best friend and in my heart, that will never change. maybe one day things will change. but i hope you know how much i care about you.
I’m waiting for you, haven’t you realized this? You are my friend, and yet i’ve always wondered if we could be something more. I’ve told myself a million times, I rather have you for always as a friend, than a short relationship and not have you in the end. but honestly, i’ve been rethinking us. please tell me you do too.
with all my heart
Cher ami,
We have been friends for always, and i’ve wondered if we were ever meant to be more than that, more than friends. I love you too much within my life, for things to be ruined in a heartbeat. So i’m scared of these feelings i have for you.
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